In 2002, Rosalind Wiseman published a book entitled “Queen Bees & Wannabes” which became the basis for the movie “Mean Girls”. The book and movie explore the world of girls and the dynamics of Queen Bees, Wannabes, Targets, Torn Bystanders, etc. In my own experience, my least favorite part of the job of school administrator was solving the puzzles of girl fights. Boys will argue, fight and then eat lunch together, but girls can continue a fight for weeks, months, even years.
A “mean girl” is simply a bully using bully tactics to gain power. However, girls can be experts in relational bullying. “The most difficult to detect from the outside, relational bullying is the systematic diminishment of a bullied child’s sense of self through ignoring, isolating, excluding, or shunning. Shunning, an act of omission, joined with rumor, an act of commission, is a forceful bullying tool. Both are unseen and hard to detect…Relational bullying can be used to alienate and reject a peer or to purposefully ruin friendships. It can involve subtle gestures such as aggressive stares, rolling of eyes, sighs, frowns, sneers, snickers, and hostile body language.” (The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, pg. 17) I think about the Disney movie “Cinderella” and the ongoing fight between Lucifer the cat and Brutus the dog. Lucifer is the bully and Brutus gets the blame.
In last week’s article, I discussed bullying, its markers and what to do if a child is being bullied. In this article, I will focus on how to prevent becoming a bully, particularly a “mean girl.” Why are girls mean and how can we prevent this behavior?
In the spring 2007 issue of BYU Magazine, M. Sue Bergin wrote an article entitled “Lies, Gossip and Cold Shoulders?” examining the “mean girl” phenomenon. School of Family Life Assistant professor David A. Nelson (BS ’95) and professors Clyde C. Robinson (BS ’72) and Craig H. Hart (BS ’80) say that relational aggressors use verbally and emotionally manipulative tactics to control and hurt other children and gain popularity. Though we often think of mean girls as teenagers, the researchers found that relational aggression starts in preschool children.
As Benjamin Franklin said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” What can parents do to help their girls remain sweet and kind?
Teach them who they are. The Young Women theme teaches, “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love him…” The knowledge and understanding of not only who they are, but who every girl is too, is a powerful antidote to the sick and weakened society of Desperate Housewives mentality. The young women who truly know that their nature is to be divine and recognize their own and other’s individual worth shun mean girl tactics and respect everyone regardless of their social status.
Don’t model relational bullying yourself. “When I told one parent that gossiping is a form of relationship aggression, she realized that she does a lot of gossiping with her friends when their kids are in the van. If children are hearing their mother and her friends saying gossipy and critical things, even if their tone of voice isn’t mean, the children learn that behavior.” (Robinson, BYU Magazine, pg. 16)
Teach your children to be empathetic. A mother from Kaysville, Utah encourages her children to write in a journal, especially when someone has been mean. Then when they are tempted to be mean, she reminds them how they felt when they were in a similar situation and asks them to read their journal entries.
Follow the standards in For the Strength of Youth. When I dealt with a conflict among girls at school, 99 percent of the time the conflict involved a relationship with a boy. Latter-day prophets have counseled us, “Do not date until you are at least 16 years old.” (pg. 24) Many problematic situations may be avoided if dating started after 16 years old when students are more mature. It was always amazing to observe the sophomores as they left school in June and returned as juniors in September. It was as if someone had flipped a maturity switch on.
Follow the Golden Rule. The Primary song says, “I’m trying to be like Jesus, I’m following in his ways.” (Children’s Songbook, p. 78) The Savior was a friend to all but especially to the most humble of society. “To have good friends, be a good friend yourself. Show interest in others and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect. Go out of your way to be a friend to those who are shy or do not feel included.” (For the Strength of Youth, pg. 12)
“How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so bitter, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged…” (Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, May 2007, p. 17) To watch our words and our tone is a quest for a lifetime-our daughters and our own.
