While parents have limited control with whom their teens associate, the study found that religious standards and family practices counteract much of the negative influence of friends.
Personal religious behavior means those practices that one engages in privately, not publicly. Although meeting attendance, family prayer and family home evening are of tremendous importance because they lead children to internalize gospel principles, private practices such as personal prayer, individual scripture reading and fasting are the most influential in strengthening our youth.
How do we encourage and foster these private religious practices? We must be the example. Our children must see us kneeling in personal prayer, studying the scriptures individually, fasting with a purpose and attending the temple. They need to know we take our problems and concerns to the Lord in prayer and search the scriptures and attend the temple to find answers. They need to see that fasting humbles us and brings us closer to the Holy Ghost who teaches us.
Jackie, a child of Primary age, asked her mom and dad, "Why don't you go to the temple?" They often attended the temple, they just went during the day when the children were at school. The kids never saw them prepare to go, actually go and return. The parents decided that the opportunity for their children to see their example and sacrifice was so important they began attending the temple in the evenings and on Saturday so their children would know of their attendance, commitment and testimony.
As parents, we must also examine our public religious practice. Our outward participation is an indication of our internal commitment from which our children learn whether to center their lives in the gospel of Jesus Christ or upon the world.
- Are we praying as a family both morning and evening?
- Are we reading the scriptures daily as a family?
- Are we having weekly family home evening?
- Do we attend our Sunday meetings as well as meetings related to our callings, ward and stake temple nights, etc.?
- What is our attitude about our calling and how do we magnify it?
- Are we home and visiting teaching monthly and with love?
- Are we serving our fellowmen?
All of these things will provide our children with living, breathing object lessons of the peace and security that living the gospel brings. Although many days and nights I wonder if the struggle of prayers, scriptures and family home evening is really worth it, Pres. Faust reminds me that my obligation to consistently hold these activities will save my children,
"Years ago, Bishop Stanley Smoot was interviewed by President Spencer W. Kimball
(1895–1985). President Kimball asked, “How often do you have family prayer?”
Bishop Smoot answered, “We try to have family prayer twice a day, but we average
about once.” President Kimball responded, “In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.”
I wonder if having casual and infrequent family home evening will be enough in the future to fortify our children with sufficient moral strength. In the future, infrequent family scripture study may be inadequate to arm our children with the virtue necessary to withstand the moral decay of the environment in which they will live. Where in the world will the children learn chastity, integrity, honesty, and basic human decency if not at home? These values will, of course, be reinforced at church, but parental teaching is more constant." (Ensign, Oct. 2005, p. 2-7)
In the study, three parental teachings in particular were found significant in fostering strength in our youth. They are family connectedness, parental regulation and intellectual autonomy. Families who experience a close connection are those who:
- Spend one-on-one time with each other.
- Express love often.
- Spend time together as a family.
- Are liberal with praise and generous with forgiveness.
- Develop family traditions.
"When I was first called to the Seventy some years ago, we were assigned to move to Solihull, England, to serve in the Area Presidency. Sister Rasband and I took our two youngest children with us on this assignment. Our daughter was a young single adult and our son, a 17-year-old who liked American-style football and played it very well. We were very concerned about them. No friends, no extended family, and no American football! I wondered, “Would this exciting new experience prove to be a serious trial for our family?”
The answer came in an early assignment I received. I had been asked to speak to the missionaries at the Missionary Training Center in Preston, England. I called President White of the center and was pleased to hear that he knew of my family situation. He suggested we include our children on our visit to Preston. Once we were there, he even invited our daughter and son to speak to the missionaries! What a thrill for them to be and feel included and share their testimonies of the Lord’s work! When finished and after tender good-byes to those missionaries, we visited the beautiful Preston England Temple, which was close to the Missionary Training Center.
As we walked near the front door, there stood President and Sister Swanney, the temple president and matron. They greeted us and welcomed us into the temple with, “Elder Rasband, how would you and your family like to perform baptisms for the dead?” What a wonderful idea! We looked at each other and gratefully accepted. After performing the ordinances and while my son and I were still in the font with tears of joy in our eyes, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked, “Dad, why haven’t we ever done this before?” I thought of all the football games, all the movies we had attended together, all of the good times we had shared—certainly happy memories and traditions that are so important to build. However, I realized we had an opportunity to add more meaningful spiritual experiences with our children like what we had experienced in Preston that day."
Here are some ideas your family could plan for spiritual growth:
- "they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his family...every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple." (Mosiah 2:5-6) Pitch a tent in the backyard and have a weekend campout with the door of the tent facing a temple nearest you during the weekend of General Conference. Take the opportunity to discuss the difference between the people of King Benjamin and Lot who "pitched his tent toward Sodom." (Genesis 13:12)
- a family Pioneer Trek activity. One friend participated in a family trek at Martin's Cove which involved mom and dad, all their married children and grandchildren. They ranged in age from 1 to 80.
- An aunt and uncle are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary this year and in commemoration are visiting 40 different temples with their grandchildren. Those who are old enough to perform baptisms will do so with grandpa and grandma. Those who are younger than 12 will perform a service on the temple grounds. Each trip has taken on a unique twist such as the "Cowboy Trip" for the one to the Dallas Temple.
- Take your children on a tour and tell them of the important places and profound growth in your life. Follow the example of Elder L. Tom Perry as he selected 9 places and a scripture to teach the importance of each location. See the September 2006 Ensign, "Sharing Family Heritage."
Parental regulation is not an easy or enviable task, but what I have learned from observation is: parents who choose to be their child's friend are fooling themselves and their children. This path will eventually lead to heartache and pain. In this relationship the child believes that the parent thinks and believes like they do. In time, the child needs correction and guidance, even from parents who have chosen to be the friend. Although the parent is acting out of love, the child is confused. He thought you were like him and now feels betrayed. The resultant defiance and rebellion is worse than any misbehavior that small correction throughout their young lives would have brought. Parents can do the following to foster family regulation:
- Families should establish rules together.
- All family members should have chores.
- Monitor behavior. (Where are you going? What are you doing? With whom are you going? What money do you have?)
- Enforce the rules but don't punish yourself.
- Show increased love after reprimands. Elder Nelson suggests, "When a child needs correction you might ask yourself, "What can I say or do that would persuade him or her to choose a better way?" When giving necessary correction, do it quietly, privately, lovingly and not publicly. If a rebuke is required, show an increase of love promptly so that seeds of resentment may not remain. To be persuasive, your love must be sincere and your teachings based on divine doctrine and correct principles."
As we examine our personal religious behaviors and family practices, may we "counsel with the Lord in all our doings and he will direct [us] for good." (Alma 37:37.
