I received a C in my physical education class in 9th grade. How does someone get a C in P.E.? I could not perform the minimum requirements for chin-ups and pull-ups. Why not? A couple of reasons: first, a couple of broken arms, one very serious, had left me with some diminished strength and function in one arm and second, a very bad attitude about P.E. in general-I hated it!-and the teacher-I was scared of him. After grades were reported, my mom went to meet with Coach M. to see what could be done to change my grade. Nothing. My high school transcript reports a C grade. Coach M. was not willing to allow me to do anything to change that grade. The requirements were set and I had not met them.
2 Nephi 2:11 says, “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things…” and school is no exception. Every student will face some type of conflict in their school years; many with peers, some with teachers, maybe with an administrator. How parents help students manage conflict will not only determine the outcome of a current conflict but their future success in a career and family.
How can students and parents more effectively handle conflict at school? As a former student, teacher and administrator, I have experienced three different roles in conflict resolution. My recommendations are:
Students are their own best advocates.
Follow the chain of command.
Attitude makes all of the difference.
Students are their own best advocates.
When the conflict is between a student and a teacher, parents should first encourage the student to resolve it. Immediately! Don’t let an issue that is a molehill turn into a mountain. Conflict is best resolved between the immediately involved parties (i.e. student and teacher, student and student, student and administrator, etc.) Students must learn to advocate for themselves. To be able to respectfully converse with an adult is a life skill that will help children in situations ranging from school to church to community.
Role-play is an effective way to coach children and prepare them to respond to any of a number of situations. Parents can act as a coach and can role-play various situations with students to prepare to talk with a teacher. A phrase that has worked for me personally and one I have taught thousands of students is “I feel (state the emotion) about (state the situation) because (state your reasons)”. Do not use the word “you” at all. People can’t argue about your emotions because they are uniquely yours, and avoiding the use of “you” takes the blaming aspect away. This puts the emphasis on the issue and its resolution.
If students are nervous to talk to their teachers, parents should accompany the student, but allow the student to resolve the conflict. After the student has worked out the conflict with the teacher, parents should follow up with a phone call or email to the teacher to express thanks or clarify unclear details.
As a teacher, I admired and respected students who approached me with problems and concerns they had about lessons, assignments, tests and even me! I also observed that students who solved their own problems owned their problems. Often, students want their parents to solve the problem because they are avoiding the responsibility for inappropriate behavior. I have often wondered if a different resolution would have emerged if I had had the courage to talk to Coach M. during the course of the class, instead of having my mother do so afterword.
Follow the chain of command.
If a teacher is uncooperative or unwilling to work with a student, parents should intervene. Be prepared with several solutions-not just one. Rarely will an ultimatum result in the desired outcome, but being willing to compromise may result in a better outcome that you can imagine at the time.
Try to look at the issue from the teacher’s perspective. Remember that they are not teaching only your child. Teachers may have 15 to 40 students in a class and teachers must consider how all students may be affected. We are counseled in the church to consider the effects of change on others. The Guidebook for Parents and Leaders for Youth counsels, “When making any changes or exceptions for one person, leaders should consider the effect those changes may have on the other young women.” (p.19) Teachers consider those effects on their class or classes as well.
As an administrator, it was frustrating to receive a call from a parent about an issue with a teacher with whom they had not spoken. I then became nothing more than a messenger who asked the teacher to give the parent a call. If at all possible, speak directly to the person with whom you or your student has the conflict. If, after speaking to the teacher you are not satisfied, then call the school administrators, then the district officials. To resolve a conflict that goes all the way to the school superintendent, it will usually take a meeting with everyone from the student to the superintendent.
Administrators advocate for the best solution between students and teachers and seek for a fair solution. Do not expect equal solutions. Each student is different with different needs and no two situations are exactly the same. The real question is whether the solution is fair for your student and the teacher?
Attitude makes all of the difference.
I hated P.E. and that attitude influenced my ability to perform. I didn’t admit it then, but now I know I could have done it if I’d set my mind to it. There are exceptions to this philosophy but they are few in number. Teachers know that most students don’t usually love English, math, history or science; and they work to make learning engaging, interesting and fun. Students with positive attitudes and a willing disposition help in untold ways. When those “good attitude” students have a bad day, make a mistake or fail a test, a teacher is much more willing to do whatever it takes to help them resolve the problem.
In Alma 42:25 it reads, “What, do ye suppose that mercy can rob justice? I say unto you, Nay; not one whit.” My personal belief is that very few teachers are simply insensitive or mean; their discipline style is centered on justice rather than mercy. They are going to be the teacher that teaches a student how life is really going to be or teach them a major lesson rather than be merciful. Much of the outcome may be based on the student’s cumulative behavior and attitude in class rather than the circumstance at hand. Not that it is right-it just is.
Jacob continues in 2 Nephi 2:12 “. . . there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation.” Opposition helps us grow and is the great purpose of our life here. What will we do with the opposition in our life? Will we grow through conflict or remain in a state of denial?
Twenty-plus years after graduation, I still can’t do chin-ups and pull-ups, but Coach M. taught me more about life than I realized.
2 Nephi 2:11 says, “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things…” and school is no exception. Every student will face some type of conflict in their school years; many with peers, some with teachers, maybe with an administrator. How parents help students manage conflict will not only determine the outcome of a current conflict but their future success in a career and family.
How can students and parents more effectively handle conflict at school? As a former student, teacher and administrator, I have experienced three different roles in conflict resolution. My recommendations are:
Students are their own best advocates.
Follow the chain of command.
Attitude makes all of the difference.
Students are their own best advocates.
When the conflict is between a student and a teacher, parents should first encourage the student to resolve it. Immediately! Don’t let an issue that is a molehill turn into a mountain. Conflict is best resolved between the immediately involved parties (i.e. student and teacher, student and student, student and administrator, etc.) Students must learn to advocate for themselves. To be able to respectfully converse with an adult is a life skill that will help children in situations ranging from school to church to community.
Role-play is an effective way to coach children and prepare them to respond to any of a number of situations. Parents can act as a coach and can role-play various situations with students to prepare to talk with a teacher. A phrase that has worked for me personally and one I have taught thousands of students is “I feel (state the emotion) about (state the situation) because (state your reasons)”. Do not use the word “you” at all. People can’t argue about your emotions because they are uniquely yours, and avoiding the use of “you” takes the blaming aspect away. This puts the emphasis on the issue and its resolution.
If students are nervous to talk to their teachers, parents should accompany the student, but allow the student to resolve the conflict. After the student has worked out the conflict with the teacher, parents should follow up with a phone call or email to the teacher to express thanks or clarify unclear details.
As a teacher, I admired and respected students who approached me with problems and concerns they had about lessons, assignments, tests and even me! I also observed that students who solved their own problems owned their problems. Often, students want their parents to solve the problem because they are avoiding the responsibility for inappropriate behavior. I have often wondered if a different resolution would have emerged if I had had the courage to talk to Coach M. during the course of the class, instead of having my mother do so afterword.
Follow the chain of command.
If a teacher is uncooperative or unwilling to work with a student, parents should intervene. Be prepared with several solutions-not just one. Rarely will an ultimatum result in the desired outcome, but being willing to compromise may result in a better outcome that you can imagine at the time.
Try to look at the issue from the teacher’s perspective. Remember that they are not teaching only your child. Teachers may have 15 to 40 students in a class and teachers must consider how all students may be affected. We are counseled in the church to consider the effects of change on others. The Guidebook for Parents and Leaders for Youth counsels, “When making any changes or exceptions for one person, leaders should consider the effect those changes may have on the other young women.” (p.19) Teachers consider those effects on their class or classes as well.
As an administrator, it was frustrating to receive a call from a parent about an issue with a teacher with whom they had not spoken. I then became nothing more than a messenger who asked the teacher to give the parent a call. If at all possible, speak directly to the person with whom you or your student has the conflict. If, after speaking to the teacher you are not satisfied, then call the school administrators, then the district officials. To resolve a conflict that goes all the way to the school superintendent, it will usually take a meeting with everyone from the student to the superintendent.
Administrators advocate for the best solution between students and teachers and seek for a fair solution. Do not expect equal solutions. Each student is different with different needs and no two situations are exactly the same. The real question is whether the solution is fair for your student and the teacher?
Attitude makes all of the difference.
I hated P.E. and that attitude influenced my ability to perform. I didn’t admit it then, but now I know I could have done it if I’d set my mind to it. There are exceptions to this philosophy but they are few in number. Teachers know that most students don’t usually love English, math, history or science; and they work to make learning engaging, interesting and fun. Students with positive attitudes and a willing disposition help in untold ways. When those “good attitude” students have a bad day, make a mistake or fail a test, a teacher is much more willing to do whatever it takes to help them resolve the problem.
In Alma 42:25 it reads, “What, do ye suppose that mercy can rob justice? I say unto you, Nay; not one whit.” My personal belief is that very few teachers are simply insensitive or mean; their discipline style is centered on justice rather than mercy. They are going to be the teacher that teaches a student how life is really going to be or teach them a major lesson rather than be merciful. Much of the outcome may be based on the student’s cumulative behavior and attitude in class rather than the circumstance at hand. Not that it is right-it just is.
Jacob continues in 2 Nephi 2:12 “. . . there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation.” Opposition helps us grow and is the great purpose of our life here. What will we do with the opposition in our life? Will we grow through conflict or remain in a state of denial?
Twenty-plus years after graduation, I still can’t do chin-ups and pull-ups, but Coach M. taught me more about life than I realized.
1 comment:
Well Belinda, you have encouraged me to move more confidently from hovering above the helicopter parenting more fully into the Love and Logic Parenting. Ahhh, opposition, yet another blessed opportunity to grow. Thank you for your encouragement. Loving your articles. Keep 'em coming.
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