Sixteen! A glorious age--an age where opportunites and privileges for your teen increase. Unfortunately your worry and sleepless nights increase too. One of those privileges is dating. Whether you and your teen simply survive dating or learn to thrive begins many years before your teen's magical 16th birthday.
A good friend tells the story of the method her parents used to address dating. As part of a Family Home Evening lesson, the family dating rules were established. Not necessarily an uncommon experience, however the oldest child was 12 and just entering adolescence. It was a family council with an opportunity for all to speak and express their thoughts and opinions. The rules were written down, posted and discussed over the next four years as the eldest sibling approached 16. As each sibling arrived at that glorious age of 16, they experienced "The Rules". There were some they didn't like, some they thought were unfair, and some they thought dumb, but each sibling and the parents passed through the adolescent dating years relatively intact.
Although this method may not be for every family, it does illustrate some very effective decisions. First, the parents started talking about dating, relationships and expectations very early. The topic of "Dating" in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet was their text and guide. This valuable resource outlining the doctrine, do's, don'ts and consequences of the Lord's standards should be utilized in families with children of all ages. It is based on doctrine and assists us in raising our children.
Second, the parents established a way, a time, and a place to discuss issues that involve the entire family. They used family home evening and family councils to address dating standards. They established a family standard based on the Lord's standard. The Lord gives us the standard, but leaves most of the details of how we live the standard up to our interpretation and agency. This family defined what the Lord's standard of dating looks like in their family. Each person had an opportunity to share their thoughts and ask questions. Those family experiences fostered close and open communication.
Third, the children learned by word and example the values of their parents. They knew the expectations and they also knew the consequences. The children knew that heeding the family standard would earn trust and respect and disobedience would earn loss of privileges and trust.
Fourth, another important aspect is consistency. We, as parents, must be consistent with standards. That is not to say there is never any flexibility, but what you do for one, you have to do for all. A favorite line of mine from "Dating" is "Do not date until you are at least 16 years old." It says "at least" not "almost".
Fifth, the family buck stops with you, the parent. Years ago a parent could lay down the law with "Because I said so"; but with today's teens that is an invitation to argue, fight and be downright disagreeable to live with. If you have non-negotiable dating items, explain why. What do you see as risks, consequences, fears, or negative feelings about the issue? Be willing to discuss, ask their opinion and listen! It probably won't change your mind, but it validates your child. Another line to talk about: "Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person." What do you consider "frequent"? What does your child consider "frequent"? Why is the Lord concerned about "frequent dating"? How does Satan use "frequent dating" to lead young men and young women from the truth?
Sixteen and dating is such an exciting time. As you live the standards and help your family to follow them, the Lord will give you direction and assistance so that you can enjoy that time of your teen's life with them.
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