You Are the Mother Your Kids Need

The inspiration for this post came to me as I began the required experience #2 of the Divine Nature value in the Young Women Personal Progress Program. It states:

"Increase your understanding of and appreciation for womanhood. Read Proverbs 31:10-31 and two talks on womanhood from a conference issue of the Church magazines. Review what "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" says about being a wife and a mother. Then ask your mother or another mother you admire what she thinks are important attributes for being a mother. List the attributes in your journal. Then choose one of those attributes and strive to develop it. After two weeks report your success to a parent or Young Women leader."

I chose to read Elder M. Russell Ballard's talk "Daughters of God" (Ensign, May 2008, p. 108-110) and the following statement jumped off the page at me:

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family."

What a relief!-I don't have to clean like Amanda, teach like Leslie, be spiritual like Tammy, or do their hair like Melanie. I certainly want to learn from their fabulous examples but I am not supposed to be like them-I am supposed to be ME!

Whoa-who is that?

Sometimes I am so busy comparing myself to the amazing moms in my neighborhood and ward that I forget to ask: What kind of mother does Heavenly Father need me to be for my kids? Each family situation is "unique", meaning it is "one-of-a-kind; having no equal; not typical". (Random House Webster's Dictionary, p. 719)

What kind of mother does Heavenly Father need you to be for your kids?

Well...Let's find out. Grab your journal, a notebook or last week's grocery list and answer the following questions.

1. What are your challenges?

2. What are your skills?

3. Who are your children?

Let's review the examples of some mothers who faced challenges but used their talents, abilities and skills to meet the needs of their children.

Who Am I?

Case Study #1

I lived in Old Testament times. My challenge was to protect my baby--a male--from being killed by the Egyptians. I hid him for three months and when I could hide him no more, I placed him a basket and placed him in the river. I sent my daughter to follow him to see what would happen to him. He was found by the Pharaoh's daughter and raised as her own.

Case Study #2

My story takes place in the New Testament. My challenge was to rear the Son of God.

Case Study #3

Our story takes place in the Book of Mormon. Our challenge was to leave behind the wicked traditions of our fathers and teach our children the ways of the Lord. At the time of our conversion, we buried our weapons and covenanted to never fight again. As time passed and wars and death increased, our children took up weapons of war in our stead and fought valiantly.

Jochebed-mother of Moses. How do you determine to send your infant son down a river in a basket? Jochebed must have prayed, counseled with her husband, listened intently for revelation and had the faith necessary to follow the direction given.

Mary-mother of Christ. How does one rear the Divine Son? When I become overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood, I think of Mary. Was she ever overwhelmed?

I think of the experience when Christ was 12 and they went to the Passover in Jerusalem. They left Jerusalem and had traveled "a day's journey" before they knew he was missing. They turned around went back to Jerusalem, probably a little faster than "a day's journey" but not much when you are on foot or on a donkey. Upon arriving in Jerusalem, they searched for three days before finding him in the temple. Five days of traveling, searching, worrying, praying and sorrowing. Losing Jesus? Overwhelmed? Yes. Pressed forward? Yes.

The mothers of the 2000 Stripling Warriors. How does one raise young men to be righteous, faithful, valiant, courageous when that is not your heritage? "Our mothers knew it" and everything they said, lived and taught confirmed it.

You. Mother of __________. You are unique, one-of-a-kind, unequaled and not typical and so will be the answers and solutions to the challenges you face as you mother the rising generation.

Sweet 16-The Arrival of Driving

Teenage drivers account for the most motor vehicles crashes of any other age group. Thirty percent of all crashes are contributed to teens. They also have the lowest seat belt use of any age group. Teens and driving can be a recipe for tragedy.

When I became a school administrator, one of my duties was to supervise students as they waited to board their bus. That duty became a window not only into the bussing of students but also into the teenage driver as I watched the parking lots empty.

I'm convinced that if parents observed the driving of teenagers in high school parking lots at the end of the school day, they would not let their teens drive to school--maybe not anywhere. Those parking lots capture in just a few minutes what worries all of us as our children sit in the driver's seat:

• driving too fast,
• driving recklessly,
• paying more attention to the distractions of cell phones, friends, and music than to the driving,
• not wearing a seat belt, and
• not seeing pedestrians.

What can we do to protect and help our teens as they embark on the world of driving?

Model good driving. Our children learn from our example in all things, even driving. How you drive signals to them what is acceptable. Is it okay to:

• speed just 7 or 8 miles over the limit,
• roll through stop signs,
• talk or text on a cell phone,
• follow too closely,
• pass too daringly,
• drive aggressively,
• participate in road rage behaviors?

Discuss the rules long before they begin driving. Reason and sound judgment are more likely to prevail long before the prospect of driving arrives. However, there is also a pretty good window of discussion time right before your teen can obtain their driving permit. Discuss and determine the driving rules for your home. If contracts interest you, AAA has a fabulous one available for download at http://www.aaa.com/.

Cell phone use while driving continues to increase and texting is of particular concern. A recent study by the University of Utah's Applied Cognition Laboratory found that if you text while driving, you are six times more likely to have an accident. While driving under the influence of alcohol, you are four times as likely to have an accident. Cell phone use while driving will be dangerous. Although teens believe that their cell phone is actually a part of their hand, it is not and should be put away while driving. Make sure that cell phones, friends and music are each a part of the discussion.

If you have already crossed that bridge, remember that driving is a privilege not a right and you can revoke the license. Take the keys and supply your teen with a bus schedule.

Discourage teens from buying a car. The purchase of a car has been the demise of many a good student. Many teens want to have their own car and really don't want to drive their parent's car. Unfortunately, the financial responsibility of a car payment, insurance and maintenance become the number one priority and school, religious and other commitments fall way below the #1 priority of "the car".

One family bought an inexpensive car when their first child began driving. It was understood that it was not the sole property of the teen with a license; gas was paid for by the child driving it; insurance was split by the parents and teens; and there was one car for all the teen drivers (at one time, there were three teens in the household who shared the car). The positive outcomes of this particular arrangement were:

• respect for property. These kids learned (sometimes the hard way) to fill up the tank, keep it clean, schedule its use, and make repairs.
• respect for one another. The arrangement required them to work together to get to school, activities, go on dates, etc. They learned to care for, wait for and help one another.
• respect for parents. Respect was shown to the teens and expected in return. These teens learned that honoring parents keeps you safe and happy.

Love them through the crashes. There will be crashes, hopefully just fender benders and not fatalities. It may be their fault and there will need to be teaching, modeling and practice, but love them through it. Yelling, berating and shaming them will not undo what was done. They may act tough but they will be devastated.

Sweet 16--The Arrival of Dating

Sixteen! A glorious age--an age where opportunites and privileges for your teen increase. Unfortunately your worry and sleepless nights increase too. One of those privileges is dating. Whether you and your teen simply survive dating or learn to thrive begins many years before your teen's magical 16th birthday.

A good friend tells the story of the method her parents used to address dating. As part of a Family Home Evening lesson, the family dating rules were established. Not necessarily an uncommon experience, however the oldest child was 12 and just entering adolescence. It was a family council with an opportunity for all to speak and express their thoughts and opinions. The rules were written down, posted and discussed over the next four years as the eldest sibling approached 16. As each sibling arrived at that glorious age of 16, they experienced "The Rules". There were some they didn't like, some they thought were unfair, and some they thought dumb, but each sibling and the parents passed through the adolescent dating years relatively intact.

Although this method may not be for every family, it does illustrate some very effective decisions. First, the parents started talking about dating, relationships and expectations very early. The topic of "Dating" in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet was their text and guide. This valuable resource outlining the doctrine, do's, don'ts and consequences of the Lord's standards should be utilized in families with children of all ages. It is based on doctrine and assists us in raising our children.

Second, the parents established a way, a time, and a place to discuss issues that involve the entire family. They used family home evening and family councils to address dating standards. They established a family standard based on the Lord's standard. The Lord gives us the standard, but leaves most of the details of how we live the standard up to our interpretation and agency. This family defined what the Lord's standard of dating looks like in their family. Each person had an opportunity to share their thoughts and ask questions. Those family experiences fostered close and open communication.

Third, the children learned by word and example the values of their parents. They knew the expectations and they also knew the consequences. The children knew that heeding the family standard would earn trust and respect and disobedience would earn loss of privileges and trust.

Fourth, another important aspect is consistency. We, as parents, must be consistent with standards. That is not to say there is never any flexibility, but what you do for one, you have to do for all. A favorite line of mine from "Dating" is "Do not date until you are at least 16 years old." It says "at least" not "almost".

Fifth, the family buck stops with you, the parent. Years ago a parent could lay down the law with "Because I said so"; but with today's teens that is an invitation to argue, fight and be downright disagreeable to live with. If you have non-negotiable dating items, explain why. What do you see as risks, consequences, fears, or negative feelings about the issue? Be willing to discuss, ask their opinion and listen! It probably won't change your mind, but it validates your child. Another line to talk about: "Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person." What do you consider "frequent"? What does your child consider "frequent"? Why is the Lord concerned about "frequent dating"? How does Satan use "frequent dating" to lead young men and young women from the truth?

Sixteen and dating is such an exciting time. As you live the standards and help your family to follow them, the Lord will give you direction and assistance so that you can enjoy that time of your teen's life with them.

First-year Teachers

The school posts the class assignments for the upcoming school year and as you search the lists for your child's name, you realize he has been assigned the new teacher, and worse yet-a first-year teacher.

I've often said that if I had to relive my first year of teaching I would select a different career. The joy of teaching was often overshadowed by the hours of preparation, mountains of papers, lack of support from parents and clerical tasks.

We are all lifelong learners and no one is a finished project. Even master teachers continue to learn and develop and are never really "finished". Sadly, when a teacher thinks they are "finished", their effectiveness usually is.

First-year teachers are great for many reasons. They are full of energy and ideas. They are optimistic and see endless potential in their students and themselves. Really, the only thing they lack is experience and now you have become part of that experience with them and for them. How can you support a first-year teacher? Suzanne Cottrell, a friend and former teacher induction specialist, suggests the following:

• They are professionals. They have been trained and successfully achieved both content and pedagological exams in order to teach your children. Trust in them. "Refrain from assuming the worst about first-year teachers." (http://www.ed.gov/)
• Be supportive of the teacher at home. Always talk positively about him with your student. You may not always agree with a teacher and his methods but talking negatively about the teacher with the student or while the student is listening will only foster a negative attitude in the student. Students should be happy and comfortable in the school setting and parents play an important role in their student's feeling of safety in the classroom.
• Teach your student responsibility and organization. Organizational items can eat up a teacher's valuable preparation time. Teachers prefer to spend time on preparing to teach and teaching rather than figuring out which students don't have lunch money, missing library books and field trip permission slips. Return homework and other items on time, when requested, and completed accurately. Late work, late anything is the bain of a teacher's existence. It takes twice as much work to handle a late assignment as one turned in on time!
• Share important information about your student with the teacher. One mother was frustrated with her son's first-year teacher because she struggled assigning him level-appropriate readers. Give the teacher information about what your student's strengths and weaknesses are. Some primary grade classes have 30 students and secondary schools 35+. Parents have a responsibility to keep teachers informed about changes that may affect a student's performance at school.
• Volunteer to help in specific ways. New teachers are not often adept at using volunteers effectively. Vounteer to be responsible for bulletin boards, field trips, working with struggling students, assembling classroom materials, publishing a weekly newsletter. What do you enjoy doing? Combine your talents and look for the need.
• Talk to the teacher first about problems. Nothing is more frustrating than to have the principal request you to call or meet with a parent who didn't talk to you first. The teacher is your partner in your student's education. Open lines of communication are a must.

In Doctrine & Covenants 88:78 it reads, "Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend thee, that you may be intstructed more perfectly." Pray for your first-year teacher that he will teach diligently for if he does, God's grace will attend and he will be instructed more perfectly. On many occasions in public school and in church settings, I have been instructed more perfectly on how to reach, teach and help individual students or teach a specific concept or accomplish seemingly insurmountable tasks. Thank you to all the parents who believed in me, supported me, volunteered in my class, and prayed for me as I taught-especially my first year.

Meaningful Spiritual Experiences

In March of 1999, Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick published an article in the Ensign based on a research study they conducted with LDS youth. As a result of the study, they proposed three areas of influence that impact the strength of youth: peer pressure, personal religious behavior and family practices.

While parents have limited control with whom their teens associate, the study found that religious standards and family practices counteract much of the negative influence of friends.

Personal religious behavior means those practices that one engages in privately, not publicly. Although meeting attendance, family prayer and family home evening are of tremendous importance because they lead children to internalize gospel principles, private practices such as personal prayer, individual scripture reading and fasting are the most influential in strengthening our youth.

How do we encourage and foster these private religious practices? We must be the example. Our children must see us kneeling in personal prayer, studying the scriptures individually, fasting with a purpose and attending the temple. They need to know we take our problems and concerns to the Lord in prayer and search the scriptures and attend the temple to find answers. They need to see that fasting humbles us and brings us closer to the Holy Ghost who teaches us.

Jackie, a child of Primary age, asked her mom and dad, "Why don't you go to the temple?" They often attended the temple, they just went during the day when the children were at school. The kids never saw them prepare to go, actually go and return. The parents decided that the opportunity for their children to see their example and sacrifice was so important they began attending the temple in the evenings and on Saturday so their children would know of their attendance, commitment and testimony.

As parents, we must also examine our public religious practice. Our outward participation is an indication of our internal commitment from which our children learn whether to center their lives in the gospel of Jesus Christ or upon the world.

• Are we praying as a family both morning and evening?


• Are we reading the scriptures daily as a family?


• Are we having weekly family home evening?


• Do we attend our Sunday meetings as well as meetings related to our callings, ward and stake temple nights, etc.?


• What is our attitude about our calling and how do we magnify it?


• Are we home and visiting teaching monthly and with love?


• Are we serving our fellowmen?

All of these things will provide our children with living, breathing object lessons of the peace and security that living the gospel brings. Although many days and nights I wonder if the struggle of prayers, scriptures and family home evening is really worth it, Pres. Faust reminds me that my obligation to consistently hold these activities will save my children,

"Years ago, Bishop Stanley Smoot was interviewed by President Spencer W. Kimball
(1895–1985). President Kimball asked, “How often do you have family prayer?”
Bishop Smoot answered, “We try to have family prayer twice a day, but we average
about once.” President Kimball responded, “In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.”

I wonder if having casual and infrequent family home evening will be enough in the future to fortify our children with sufficient moral strength. In the future, infrequent family scripture study may be inadequate to arm our children with the virtue necessary to withstand the moral decay of the environment in which they will live. Where in the world will the children learn chastity, integrity, honesty, and basic human decency if not at home? These values will, of course, be reinforced at church, but parental teaching is more constant." (Ensign, Oct. 2005, p. 2-7)

In the study, three parental teachings in particular were found significant in fostering strength in our youth. They are family connectedness, parental regulation and intellectual autonomy. Families who experience a close connection are those who:

• Spend one-on-one time with each other.


• Express love often.


• Spend time together as a family.


• Are liberal with praise and generous with forgiveness.


• Develop family traditions.

Perhaps we can develop family traditions with a spiritual focus. Auxiliary programs provide wonderful spiritual opportunities through Girl's Camps, Youth conferences and other activities, but what about a General Conference Camp or a family conference? How do parents help our children prepare to have spiritual experiences at home, especially before baptisms, ordinations and the temple endowment? Elder Rasband relates the following experience,

"When I was first called to the Seventy some years ago, we were assigned to move to Solihull, England, to serve in the Area Presidency. Sister Rasband and I took our two youngest children with us on this assignment. Our daughter was a young single adult and our son, a 17-year-old who liked American-style football and played it very well. We were very concerned about them. No friends, no extended family, and no American football! I wondered, “Would this exciting new experience prove to be a serious trial for our family?”

The answer came in an early assignment I received. I had been asked to speak to the missionaries at the Missionary Training Center in Preston, England. I called President White of the center and was pleased to hear that he knew of my family situation. He suggested we include our children on our visit to Preston. Once we were there, he even invited our daughter and son to speak to the missionaries! What a thrill for them to be and feel included and share their testimonies of the Lord’s work! When finished and after tender good-byes to those missionaries, we visited the beautiful Preston England Temple, which was close to the Missionary Training Center.

As we walked near the front door, there stood President and Sister Swanney, the temple president and matron. They greeted us and welcomed us into the temple with, “Elder Rasband, how would you and your family like to perform baptisms for the dead?” What a wonderful idea! We looked at each other and gratefully accepted. After performing the ordinances and while my son and I were still in the font with tears of joy in our eyes, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked, “Dad, why haven’t we ever done this before?” I thought of all the football games, all the movies we had attended together, all of the good times we had shared—certainly happy memories and traditions that are so important to build. However, I realized we had an opportunity to add more meaningful spiritual experiences with our children like what we had experienced in Preston that day."

Here are some ideas your family could plan for spiritual growth:

• "they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his family...every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple." (Mosiah 2:5-6) Pitch a tent in the backyard and have a weekend campout with the door of the tent facing a temple nearest you during the weekend of General Conference. Take the opportunity to discuss the difference between the people of King Benjamin and Lot who "pitched his tent toward Sodom." (Genesis 13:12)


• a family Pioneer Trek activity. One friend participated in a family trek at Martin's Cove which involved mom and dad, all their married children and grandchildren. They ranged in age from 1 to 80.


• An aunt and uncle are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary this year and in commemoration are visiting 40 different temples with their grandchildren. Those who are old enough to perform baptisms will do so with grandpa and grandma. Those who are younger than 12 will perform a service on the temple grounds. Each trip has taken on a unique twist such as the "Cowboy Trip" for the one to the Dallas Temple.


• Take your children on a tour and tell them of the important places and profound growth in your life. Follow the example of Elder L. Tom Perry as he selected 9 places and a scripture to teach the importance of each location. See the September 2006 Ensign, "Sharing Family Heritage."

Sis. Susan W. Tanner suggests that we can help youth prepare for spiritual experiences by having high expectations, asking our youth to prepare, use the scriptures, pray, use the hymns, provide time to be still and testify. (See the video "Helping Youth to Prepare for Spiritual Experiences" at http://www.lds.org/.)

Parental regulation is not an easy or enviable task, but what I have learned from observation is: parents who choose to be their child's friend are fooling themselves and their children. This path will eventually lead to heartache and pain. In this relationship the child believes that the parent thinks and believes like they do. In time, the child needs correction and guidance, even from parents who have chosen to be the friend. Although the parent is acting out of love, the child is confused. He thought you were like him and now feels betrayed. The resultant defiance and rebellion is worse than any misbehavior that small correction throughout their young lives would have brought. Parents can do the following to foster family regulation:

• Families should establish rules together.


• All family members should have chores.


• Monitor behavior. (Where are you going? What are you doing? With whom are you going? What money do you have?)


• Enforce the rules but don't punish yourself.


• Show increased love after reprimands. Elder Nelson suggests, "When a child needs correction you might ask yourself, "What can I say or do that would persuade him or her to choose a better way?" When giving necessary correction, do it quietly, privately, lovingly and not publicly. If a rebuke is required, show an increase of love promptly so that seeds of resentment may not remain. To be persuasive, your love must be sincere and your teachings based on divine doctrine and correct principles."

Intellectual autonomy is the freedom to express their own thoughts and ideas. Home is the place for feelings, opinions, hopes and desires to be shared and discussed. If an idea makes you uncomfortable, explore the origins of it. Is the idea expressed for shock value? Is the idea an expression of questions your teen has? Listening and sharing your views and guidance can help teens develop attitudes consistent with the gospel and confidence.

As we examine our personal religious behaviors and family practices, may we "counsel with the Lord in all our doings and he will direct [us] for good." (Alma 37:37.

Substance Abuse

My precious child,
Life is meant to test us and try us and some of those tests may be difficult. I have a few things I'd like to tell you to help you avoid some of Satan's most effective tools for deceiving even the best and strongest of us.

Do you remember the story of Samson from the Bible? His father, Manoah, and his mother both saw an angel who announced that she would conceive and have a son. She was commanded to drink neither wine nor strong drink nor eat any unclean thing. Once the child was born, no razor was to touch his head "for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines."

You are a covenant child just as Samson was. He was to live a certain way and the Lord would use him for a specific, divine mission. The same is true for you.

What did Samson choose to do? He chose to use the special gift of strength to serve his own purposes. He lacked the self-discipline necessary to resist the temptations of his Philistean wife when she "lay sore upon him" and the temptations of Deliliah when she "pressed him with her words."

You need to live by certain standards that you may be worthy and ready to fulfill your divine purpose and destiny. What will you choose to do?

I am worried that self-discipline may be a great tribulation for you, considering the modern world and its evils. In For the Strength of Youth, the standard has been set for you:

Never use tobacco products.
Do not drink coffee or tea.
Any form of alcohol is harmful to your body and spirit.
Any drug, chemical, or dangerous practice that is used to produce a sensation or "high" can destroy your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.

These substances are meant to damage your body and spirit. This damage may result in addiction, loss of judgment and self-control, and disease.

Pres. Spencer W. Kimball said, "Whoever said that sin was not fun? Whoever claimed that Lucifer was not handsome, persuasive, easy, friendly? Sin is attractive and desirable. Transgression wears elegant gowns and sparkling apparel. It is highly perfumed; it has attractive features, a soft voice. It is found in educated circles and sophisticated groups. It provides sweet and comfortable luxuries. Sin is easy and has a big company of pleasant companions. It promises immunity from restrictions, temporary freedoms. It can momentarily satisfy hunger, thirst, desire, urges, passions, wants without immediately paying the price. But, it begins tiny and grows to monumental proportions-drop by drop, inch by inch. ("Faith Precedes the Miracle", p.229)

Because I love you, because I want you to fulfill your earthly mission, because I want you to be happy and enjoy your life, our family has rules. I know you think our family rules are too restrictive and that I just want to ruin your life. Our rules are there to help save your life! I have a "solemn responsibility to love and care for...[my] children." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World.) That is why I always want to know who you are with, where you are going and what you are doing and then I check up on you. It is not that I don't trust you-I want to be a good parent! That is why I insist that we eat dinner together as a family and talk to one another. That is why we plant a garden, do our chores, go bowling, help the neighbors, and go to church. I want to provide layers and layers of protective coverings to sustain you through the buffetings of life. Manoah and his wife asked the angel, "How shall we order the child, and how shall we do unto him? As I ask Heavenly Father the same questions, I too receive answers and try to follow them. Maybe neither of us understands the reasons for rules or certain actions at the time, but He does.

God has given you the greatest of all gifts-your agency. "You may choose right from wrong and act for yourself...While you are free to choose for yourself, you are not free to choose the consequences of your actions...Wrong choices delay your progression and lead to heartache and misery. Right choices lead to happiness and eternal life. That is why it is so important for you to choose what is right throughout your life." (For the Strength of Youth, p.4)

The most difficult choice you face right now in your life is friends. What kind of friends do you have? Do they like you for who you are? Do they share your values? Do they inspire and help you to be a better person? Do they treat you with kindness and respect? Are you a good friend? Your friends have a tremendous influence on you. I hope and pray for righteous friends.

I admonish you to be in the right places doing the right things. Satan rejoices when you put yourself in compromising situations. It is impossible to regularly attend parties where drugs and alcohol are present and not try one or both. Remember "...others [Satan] will pacify and lull them away into carnal securtiy that they will say: All is well in [at this party]; yea, [you] prospereth, all is well-and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell." (2 Nephi 28:21)

Please choose good friends and safe places.

If you make a wrong choice, I promise not to flip out, cause a scene or abandon you, but I will allow you to suffer the consequences of your poor choice. I will teach you about repentance so you will understand that "when you do what is necessary to receive forgiveness, you will know for yourself the power of the Atonement and the love God has for you." (For the Strength of Youth, p. 29)

Samson's poor choices left him without the gift of strength, blind, imprisoned by the Philistines and eventually dead from toppling a house upon the Philistines and himself. You have been promised by the First Presidency that "as you keep these standards and live by the truths in the scriptures, you will be able to do your life's work with greater wisdom and skill and bear trials with greater courage. You will have the help of the Holy Ghost. You will feel good about yourself and will be a positive influence in the lives of others. You will be worthy to go to the temple and to receive holy ordinances. These blessings and many more can be yours." (For the Strength of Youth, p. 2-3)

I love you and ask that we work together, as parent and child, to keep our covenants, fulfill our divine destinies and truly be happy.

Love,
Mom

The following websites have fantastic information about the warning signs of abuse, tips for parents and available help. Substance abuse includes inhalants, alcohol, tobacco, prescription medications and illegal drugs.

http://www.theantidrug.com/ (Lists all substances and specific warning signs; has many helpful documents available for download)

http://www.parentsempowered.org/ (A Utah website specifically addressing alcohol abuse. Has sample conversation starters to use with your kids-awesome!)

Friends

“Choose your friends carefully. They will greatly influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become.” For the Strength of Youth, pg. 12.

Friendships are a source of great joy or heartache and can be a most difficult parenting issue. The minute a child enters school the importance and influence of friends increases and will continue to throughout their teenage years. How can parents help guide children to choose friends who share their values, increase their self-worth and have fun, especially as they meet and become friends outside your circle of family, friends and ward members?

I have taught some exceptional young men and women and I always ask their parents how they reared them. One parent of four outstanding teenagers told me that when their children were young, they purposefully sought out families who shared their values and interests and began to form friendships with them. They shared meals, vacations, holidays and birthdays. The children formed long-lasting friendships with one another and those bonds lasted through elementary, middle and high school and now the children share their own experiences as mothers and fathers.

Create the “Kool-Aid” home. When I was growing up, Kool-Aid ran a commercial where all of the kids were at one house-the one where mom had a full pitcher of Kool-Aid. Find ways to invite your children’s friends into your home. Some ideas: provide good food, especially for teenage boys, for weekends, holidays, test-cramming sessions, and group dates; invite moms and kids to your home for lunch; sponsor a “tween” book club, craft club or cooking club; play night games with the neighborhood. Brainstorm with your kids and lots of ideas will emerge.

Volunteer at school. As you serve as a class mom, PTA commissioner, or booster club member, you will broaden your circle of friends and become better acquainted with your child’s friends.

Practice being a good friend. Becoming a good friend is a learned behavior. Home is the place where those skills are learned and practiced with parents, siblings, grandparents, and other extended family. Often parents believe that friend difficulties will eventually resolve themselves. Coaching children through rough friendships, teaching and practicing life skills with them will help your children gain the knowledge and skills necessary to become a good friend, attract good friends, and remove themselves from negative friendships. “Successful marriages and families [and friendships] are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities.” The Family, A Proclamation to the World.

What do you do if your child has chosen some friends that do not share your values, or increase your child’s self worth, or participate in harmful activities?

Prayer
Alma the Younger was visited by an angel because “Behold, the Lord hath heard… the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed much concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.” (Mosiah 27:14) Prayer is your best weapon against evil influences. Your child may not see an angel, but equally powerful experiences can come to them dependent upon your faith and prayers. Pray for good friends to enter your children’s lives.

Communication.
Keep the communication lines open. Start while they are young and listen, listen, listen. When you need to have difficult talks, I like the advice of the prophet, Joseph Smith, “Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.” (quoted by John Taylor, in “The Organization of the Church,” Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, 339)

Do we allow them to govern themselves completely? No. As parents we are responsible to teach agency but it is also our responsibility to limit their choices according to their understanding. The Lord has given us guidance on when to allow children more governance. Look at the ages when milestones occur within the gospel setting:
Age 8-baptism
know right from wrong, accountable for our sins, receive the Holy Ghost and learn to feel His influence
Age 12-ordination of the Aaronic Priesthood; participating in Young Women and Young Men organization; receive callings
Have more knowledge and experience with the Holy Ghost, ready to learn how to bless other's lives, focus on others--not themselves (Ha! Ha! Ha!-this is a lifelong process for all of us!), put away childish things.
Age 14-participate in seminary, youth conferences and EFY
Even more knowledge and experience; practice respect of priesthood and womanhood, ready to discuss serious topics in a mature way
Age 16-begin to date in groups
Increasing in knowledge, experience and independence.
Age 19 and beyond-become a missionary, wife, husband, mothers and fathers
Have “increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Luke 2:52

As parents, perhaps we should be conscious of these “gospel milestones” and the added agency they suggest we allow. As we teach our children the gospel of Jesus Christ and then allow them to make choices within their realm of knowledge and experience our children will learn to be responsible for their decisions and know that consequences exist.

Be the Parent.
Parents sometimes mistakenly think that in order to have influence and remain close to their children during the teenage years they need to become their friend. Nothing is further from the truth. They have friends--what they need is a parent. In Teach Ye Diligently, Boyd K. Packer teaches, “…when young people want help--when they really want help--they reach up, not over.” (pg. 285) Parents must remain the parent, establishing rules, appropriate consequences and discipline.

Above all, parents should be the example. The old adage "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is expecially true in looking at relationships. Our children will follow our example in forming, maintaining and even dissolving friendships. Are you a friend you would want your child to choose?

“These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.” T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets