Bullying at School

At the end of my eighth grade year, the eighth graders went on an annual field trip to a nearby swimming pool. As was tradition, the upperclassmen of the high school met the school bus several miles outside the city and followed the bus back to the junior high to snatch eighth graders off the bus and “initiate” them to high school. No administrator, teacher, parents or older brothers and sisters were present to protect us or stop this tradition. I was terrified at who might take me and what they might do to me or make me do. Although this type of bullying called “hazing” has seen a decrease in society, other forms of bullying, especially cyberbullying, has been on the rise. Through the next three weeks, I will examine the world of bullying, mean girls and cyberbullying.

The Webster’s Dictionary defines “bully”as a person who habitually intimidates weaker people. Statistics from The National Youth Violence Prevention Center report that 30 percent of all students in grades 6-10 are involved in bullying as the bully, the target of bullying or both and i-Safe.org reports that 58 percent of children grades 4-8 admit that someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online. Personally, I believe there are many more incidents of bullying than are reported, especially electronically with cell phones and the Internet. “Cyberbullying” can be more destructive and damaging because of the bully’s ability to hide behind the electronic devices.

In her book The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, Barbara Coloroso uses the labels of bully, bullied and bystander to describe the “three characters of a tragic play performed daily in our homes, playgrounds and streets.” (p. 3) She asserts that most young children try out all three roles and eventually abandon the bully and the bullied to become bystanders while some become typecast into a role and find it difficult to break out of it. “The goal is to gain a clearer understanding of these roles and how the interactions…though commonplace in our culture, are not healthy, not normal and certainly not necessary and in fact can be devastating to children playing any of the three characters.” (p. 5)

Coloroso identifies three kinds of bullying:
verbal,
physical (used mostly by boys),
relational (used mostly by girls),

She asserts that bullying will always include these markers:
Imbalance of power
Intent to harm
Threat of further aggression, and if bullying is unnoticed and/or unrestricted, it will lead to terror.

Is your student being bullied? If he is reluctant or refuses to go to school, withdraws from normal activities, is unusually anxious, or has recurring illnesses, the reason may be a bullying situation.

What can a student do when he encounters a bully? The most successful results I have seen have been when a student stands up for himself-not with fighting or violence-but with his own voice. Students who express their dislike of the treatment, tell the bully to stop, walk away and then report it to an adult seem to encounter fewer subsequent bullying incidents than others. Cindi Seddon, a teacher and principal, recommends:

1. Stand straight and tall if faced with a bully; look him straight in the eye.
2. Be polite but firm. Tell the bully “Stop it, I don’t like it. Leave me alone.”
3. Don’t cry or show you are upset. Walk away if you can’t hide your feelings.
4. Report events to an adult you trust. Expect action to be taken.
   

What should parents do if their student is being bullied? Coloroso recommends a few do’s and don’ts for parents.
Do:
Say “Tell me about it,” then be quiet and listen. Your student needs to know that you hear him, you believe him, and he is not alone.
Let your student know it is not his fault.
Reaffirm that your student is not alone and together we can come up with an effective plan.
Report the bullying to school personnel.

Don’t:
Minimize, rationalize or explain away the bully’s behavior
Don’t rush in to solve the problem. Give them support, instruction and guidance to help them change the situation.
Don’t tell your child to avoid the bully. It is okay to avoid the bully to avoid immediate and present danger, but it is not a long-term solution to the bullying and will not solve the problem.
Don’t tell your child to fight back. Fighting is not the answer. Be assertive and help your child find his voice.
Don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone.

In addition, my suggestions come from the scriptures. D&C 10: 5 “Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.” Matthew 5:44 “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father in which is in heaven.” Matthew 17:21 “This kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.” Just as we would go in prayer to our Heavenly Father in other trials so should we pray for, fast for and love bullies. It is in His perfect love that solutions and strength will be found.

Luckily for me, my grandma provided a means of escape from the eighth grade initiation. May these resources help you and your student find their voice, solutions and peace.

Resources
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso

www.safeyouth.org

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html

Friends

“Choose your friends carefully. They will greatly influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become.” For the Strength of Youth, pg. 12.

Friendships are a source of great joy or heartache and can be a most difficult parenting issue. The minute a child enters school the importance and influence of friends increases and will continue to throughout their teenage years. How can parents help guide children to choose friends who share their values, increase their self-worth and have fun, especially as they meet and become friends outside your circle of family, friends and ward members?

I have taught some exceptional young men and women and I always ask their parents how they reared them. One parent of four outstanding teenagers told me that when their children were young, they purposefully sought out families who shared their values and interests and began to form friendships with them. They shared meals, vacations, holidays and birthdays. The children formed long-lasting friendships with one another and those bonds lasted through elementary, middle and high school and now the children share their own experiences as mothers and fathers.

Create the “Kool-Aid” home. When I was growing up, Kool-Aid ran a commercial where all of the kids were at one house-the one where mom had a full pitcher of Kool-Aid. Find ways to invite your children’s friends into your home. Some ideas: provide good food, especially for teenage boys, for weekends, holidays, test-cramming sessions, and group dates; invite moms and kids to your home for lunch; sponsor a “tween” book club, craft club or cooking club; play night games with the neighborhood. Brainstorm with your kids and lots of ideas will emerge.

Volunteer at school. As you serve as a class mom, PTA commissioner, or booster club member, you will broaden your circle of friends and become better acquainted with your child’s friends.

Practice being a good friend. Becoming a good friend is a learned behavior. Home is the place where those skills are learned and practiced with parents, siblings, grandparents, and other extended family. Often parents believe that friend difficulties will eventually resolve themselves. Coaching children through rough friendships, teaching and practicing life skills with them will help your children gain the knowledge and skills necessary to become a good friend, attract good friends, and remove themselves from negative friendships. “Successful marriages and families [and friendships] are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities.” The Family, A Proclamation to the World.

What do you do if your child has chosen some friends that do not share your values, or increase your child’s self worth, or participate in harmful activities?

Prayer
Alma the Younger was visited by an angel because “Behold, the Lord hath heard… the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed much concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.” (Mosiah 27:14) Prayer is your best weapon against evil influences. Your child may not see an angel, but equally powerful experiences can come to them dependent upon your faith and prayers. Pray for good friends to enter your children’s lives.

Communication.
Keep the communication lines open. Start while they are young and listen, listen, listen. When you need to have difficult talks, I like the advice of the prophet, Joseph Smith, “Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.” (quoted by John Taylor, in “The Organization of the Church,” Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, 339)

Do we allow them to govern themselves completely? No. As parents we are responsible to teach agency but it is also our responsibility to limit their choices according to their understanding. The Lord has given us guidance on when to allow children more governance. Look at the ages when milestones occur within the gospel setting:
Age 8-baptism
know right from wrong, accountable for our sins, receive the Holy Ghost and learn to feel His influence
Age 12-ordination of the Aaronic Priesthood; participating in Young Women and Young Men organization; receive callings
Have more knowledge and experience with the Holy Ghost, ready to learn how to bless other's lives, focus on others--not themselves (Ha! Ha! Ha!-this is a lifelong process for all of us!), put away childish things.
Age 14-participate in seminary, youth conferences and EFY
Even more knowledge and experience; practice respect of priesthood and womanhood, ready to discuss serious topics in a mature way
Age 16-begin to date in groups
Increasing in knowledge, experience and independence.
Age 19 and beyond-become a missionary, wife, husband, mothers and fathers
Have “increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Luke 2:52

As parents, perhaps we should be conscious of these “gospel milestones” and the added agency they suggest we allow. As we teach our children the gospel of Jesus Christ and then allow them to make choices within their realm of knowledge and experience our children will learn to be responsible for their decisions and know that consequences exist.

Be the Parent.
Parents sometimes mistakenly think that in order to have influence and remain close to their children during the teenage years they need to become their friend. Nothing is further from the truth. They have friends--what they need is a parent. In Teach Ye Diligently, Boyd K. Packer teaches, “…when young people want help--when they really want help--they reach up, not over.” (pg. 285) Parents must remain the parent, establishing rules, appropriate consequences and discipline.

Above all, parents should be the example. The old adage "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is expecially true in looking at relationships. Our children will follow our example in forming, maintaining and even dissolving friendships. Are you a friend you would want your child to choose?

“These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.” T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets