At the end of my eighth grade year, the eighth graders went on an annual field trip to a nearby swimming pool. As was tradition, the upperclassmen of the high school met the school bus several miles outside the city and followed the bus back to the junior high to snatch eighth graders off the bus and “initiate” them to high school. No administrator, teacher, parents or older brothers and sisters were present to protect us or stop this tradition. I was terrified at who might take me and what they might do to me or make me do. Although this type of bullying called “hazing” has seen a decrease in society, other forms of bullying, especially cyberbullying, has been on the rise. Through the next three weeks, I will examine the world of bullying, mean girls and cyberbullying.
The Webster’s Dictionary defines “bully”as a person who habitually intimidates weaker people. Statistics from The National Youth Violence Prevention Center report that 30 percent of all students in grades 6-10 are involved in bullying as the bully, the target of bullying or both and i-Safe.org reports that 58 percent of children grades 4-8 admit that someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online. Personally, I believe there are many more incidents of bullying than are reported, especially electronically with cell phones and the Internet. “Cyberbullying” can be more destructive and damaging because of the bully’s ability to hide behind the electronic devices.
In her book The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, Barbara Coloroso uses the labels of bully, bullied and bystander to describe the “three characters of a tragic play performed daily in our homes, playgrounds and streets.” (p. 3) She asserts that most young children try out all three roles and eventually abandon the bully and the bullied to become bystanders while some become typecast into a role and find it difficult to break out of it. “The goal is to gain a clearer understanding of these roles and how the interactions…though commonplace in our culture, are not healthy, not normal and certainly not necessary and in fact can be devastating to children playing any of the three characters.” (p. 5)
Coloroso identifies three kinds of bullying:
verbal,
physical (used mostly by boys),
relational (used mostly by girls),
She asserts that bullying will always include these markers:
Imbalance of power
Intent to harm
Threat of further aggression, and if bullying is unnoticed and/or unrestricted, it will lead to terror.
Is your student being bullied? If he is reluctant or refuses to go to school, withdraws from normal activities, is unusually anxious, or has recurring illnesses, the reason may be a bullying situation.
What can a student do when he encounters a bully? The most successful results I have seen have been when a student stands up for himself-not with fighting or violence-but with his own voice. Students who express their dislike of the treatment, tell the bully to stop, walk away and then report it to an adult seem to encounter fewer subsequent bullying incidents than others. Cindi Seddon, a teacher and principal, recommends:
- Stand straight and tall if faced with a bully; look him straight in the eye.
- Be polite but firm. Tell the bully “Stop it, I don’t like it. Leave me alone.”
- Don’t cry or show you are upset. Walk away if you can’t hide your feelings.
- Report events to an adult you trust. Expect action to be taken.
What should parents do if their student is being bullied? Coloroso recommends a few do’s and don’ts for parents.
Do:
Say “Tell me about it,” then be quiet and listen. Your student needs to know that you hear him, you believe him, and he is not alone.
Let your student know it is not his fault.
Reaffirm that your student is not alone and together we can come up with an effective plan.
Report the bullying to school personnel.
Don’t:
Minimize, rationalize or explain away the bully’s behavior
Don’t rush in to solve the problem. Give them support, instruction and guidance to help them change the situation.
Don’t tell your child to avoid the bully. It is okay to avoid the bully to avoid immediate and present danger, but it is not a long-term solution to the bullying and will not solve the problem.
Don’t tell your child to fight back. Fighting is not the answer. Be assertive and help your child find his voice.
Don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone.
In addition, my suggestions come from the scriptures. D&C 10: 5 “Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.” Matthew 5:44 “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father in which is in heaven.” Matthew 17:21 “This kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.” Just as we would go in prayer to our Heavenly Father in other trials so should we pray for, fast for and love bullies. It is in His perfect love that solutions and strength will be found.
Luckily for me, my grandma provided a means of escape from the eighth grade initiation. May these resources help you and your student find their voice, solutions and peace.
Resources
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
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