Friends

“Choose your friends carefully. They will greatly influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become.” For the Strength of Youth, pg. 12.

Friendships are a source of great joy or heartache and can be a most difficult parenting issue. The minute a child enters school the importance and influence of friends increases and will continue to throughout their teenage years. How can parents help guide children to choose friends who share their values, increase their self-worth and have fun, especially as they meet and become friends outside your circle of family, friends and ward members?

I have taught some exceptional young men and women and I always ask their parents how they reared them. One parent of four outstanding teenagers told me that when their children were young, they purposefully sought out families who shared their values and interests and began to form friendships with them. They shared meals, vacations, holidays and birthdays. The children formed long-lasting friendships with one another and those bonds lasted through elementary, middle and high school and now the children share their own experiences as mothers and fathers.

Create the “Kool-Aid” home. When I was growing up, Kool-Aid ran a commercial where all of the kids were at one house-the one where mom had a full pitcher of Kool-Aid. Find ways to invite your children’s friends into your home. Some ideas: provide good food, especially for teenage boys, for weekends, holidays, test-cramming sessions, and group dates; invite moms and kids to your home for lunch; sponsor a “tween” book club, craft club or cooking club; play night games with the neighborhood. Brainstorm with your kids and lots of ideas will emerge.

Volunteer at school. As you serve as a class mom, PTA commissioner, or booster club member, you will broaden your circle of friends and become better acquainted with your child’s friends.

Practice being a good friend. Becoming a good friend is a learned behavior. Home is the place where those skills are learned and practiced with parents, siblings, grandparents, and other extended family. Often parents believe that friend difficulties will eventually resolve themselves. Coaching children through rough friendships, teaching and practicing life skills with them will help your children gain the knowledge and skills necessary to become a good friend, attract good friends, and remove themselves from negative friendships. “Successful marriages and families [and friendships] are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities.” The Family, A Proclamation to the World.

What do you do if your child has chosen some friends that do not share your values, or increase your child’s self worth, or participate in harmful activities?

Prayer
Alma the Younger was visited by an angel because “Behold, the Lord hath heard… the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed much concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.” (Mosiah 27:14) Prayer is your best weapon against evil influences. Your child may not see an angel, but equally powerful experiences can come to them dependent upon your faith and prayers. Pray for good friends to enter your children’s lives.

Communication.
Keep the communication lines open. Start while they are young and listen, listen, listen. When you need to have difficult talks, I like the advice of the prophet, Joseph Smith, “Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.” (quoted by John Taylor, in “The Organization of the Church,” Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, 339)

Do we allow them to govern themselves completely? No. As parents we are responsible to teach agency but it is also our responsibility to limit their choices according to their understanding. The Lord has given us guidance on when to allow children more governance. Look at the ages when milestones occur within the gospel setting:
Age 8-baptism
know right from wrong, accountable for our sins, receive the Holy Ghost and learn to feel His influence
Age 12-ordination of the Aaronic Priesthood; participating in Young Women and Young Men organization; receive callings
Have more knowledge and experience with the Holy Ghost, ready to learn how to bless other's lives, focus on others--not themselves (Ha! Ha! Ha!-this is a lifelong process for all of us!), put away childish things.
Age 14-participate in seminary, youth conferences and EFY
Even more knowledge and experience; practice respect of priesthood and womanhood, ready to discuss serious topics in a mature way
Age 16-begin to date in groups
Increasing in knowledge, experience and independence.
Age 19 and beyond-become a missionary, wife, husband, mothers and fathers
Have “increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Luke 2:52

As parents, perhaps we should be conscious of these “gospel milestones” and the added agency they suggest we allow. As we teach our children the gospel of Jesus Christ and then allow them to make choices within their realm of knowledge and experience our children will learn to be responsible for their decisions and know that consequences exist.

Be the Parent.
Parents sometimes mistakenly think that in order to have influence and remain close to their children during the teenage years they need to become their friend. Nothing is further from the truth. They have friends--what they need is a parent. In Teach Ye Diligently, Boyd K. Packer teaches, “…when young people want help--when they really want help--they reach up, not over.” (pg. 285) Parents must remain the parent, establishing rules, appropriate consequences and discipline.

Above all, parents should be the example. The old adage "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is expecially true in looking at relationships. Our children will follow our example in forming, maintaining and even dissolving friendships. Are you a friend you would want your child to choose?

“These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.” T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets